Category Archives: Relationships

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Decompressing a Pinch Point

If you’ve ever experienced a significant bout with back pain you know that it affects everything you do. That’s been the story of my life this past week. Five years ago I suffered a herniated disc. It was pain so excruciating that I never wanted to suffer it again. But last Monday, while running, I felt a twinge in my back, and here we go again!

Today I went to the Physical Therapist and he showed me what’s going on in my back. It seems that two of my vertebrae are pressing on a disc, squeezing it out like jelly out of a donut, and then pressing on a nerve that causes pain all the way down my left leg. For the first time in my life I was put in traction. It’s a weird sensation, but seemed to do a bit of good.

The reason for the pain in my back is a good explanation of what happens in some organizations. Some issue, idea, or argument becomes a “pinch point” that irritates a small corner of the kingdom, and before you know it, the pain spreads to the rest of the organism.

The pinch point:

  • Affects everything that goes on in the organization.
  • Restricts the flow of energy and ideas.
  • Focuses all the attention on just one area.
  • Takes time and effort to work through the pain.
  • Diverts attention away from other things that could create a happy and healthy organization.

My Physical Therapist is trying to alleviate the pinch point by “decompressing” the vertebrae and alleviating the pressure on the nerve at that place. Sounds like a good idea for an organization experiencing a pinch point of its own.

When pinch points happen:

  • Discover the source, or pinch point, and treat it instead of the symptoms.
  • Acknowledge that other people in the organization may be hurting and in need of “treatment” as well.
  • Allow energy and ideas to flow into and out of every other area of the organization as a way of combatting the pinch point itself.
  • Use every resource available to ease the pain, “decompress” the personalities involved through the love of forgiveness, and take the time to make sure that it is lasting healing.
  • Provide specific times of healing that promote a healthy organism.

“Decompression” can provide health in an organization experiencing a “pinch point.” Now let’s hope it does the same for my back.

What examples do you have of “decompression” helping an organization through a “pinch point”?

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College Carpe Diem

Ben went back to school today. Back to Music City. Back to warmer weather. Back to the place that inspires him and the people that support him. Back to a place that is a passing point along the way, but a place that he increasingly calls “home.”

He was home for spring break with a few friends. They came. They played. They conquered (lots of food).

He went back to the place where possibility floats through the air like pollen on a spring day. He goes to a school where monumental talent surrounds him. The location provides opportunity almost unequaled. Across the street is Music Row. Down the road is the world-famous Bluebird Cafe. Downtown is the Ryman Auditorium and the Country Music Hall of Fame. ASCAP, BMI, and SESAC all have offices there. Recording studios and music companies dot the urban landscape.

Ben loves music and music loves him. He has written. He has recorded. He has formed a band called “My Red and Blue” (ask him the story behind that name…). He has hard copy CD’s of his EP (acronyms, acronyms…) called, “I Might Miss This.” He has been given opportunities to shop his music up and down music row.

I’m not sure how well Ben knows that he stands at a major crossroads in his life. College time seems to move faster than almost any other time of life. It’s here today and gone tomorrow. It’s a life filled with both responsibility and freedom. It’s a place where dreams are hatched and ideas take root. But nothing is yet written in the cement.

Some seize the day. Others let opportunity slip away. It’s never too early to start living your dream and shipping your goods.

Funny, isn’t it, how children sometimes inspire their parents?! If only the wisdom of “age” could be coupled with the energy and ideas of youth.

Ben went back to school today. May he seize the day.

What is it that inspires you enough to seize the day and ship your goods?

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I Am A Person

Going through a medical procedure makes one feel like “everyhuman.” There I lay in my hospital gown, I.V. in my hand, oxygen in my nose, soft music playing over the speaker, two nurses talking about their families, waiting for the doctor to come in and do my “procedure.”

Those two nurses do it every day for who knows how many people. To them, I was just “patient number six” (or whatever) that day. They do these procedures eight or ten times a day, every day, every week, every month, all year. Nameless, faceless bodies come through, table by table, tick off the check list, help the doctor. Next!

As I lay there waiting for the world to spin away through sedation, listening to two nurses talk, I wanted to scream: “I am a person!” Don’t get me wrong. They were very nice and very pleasant. But I felt anonymous just lying there. They didn’t know know what I do for a living. They knew nothing about my wife. They didn’t realize that I have two children living nine hours away from me in two different directions. They didn’t know that I love U2 concerts, riding my bike, and writing my blog.

Human beings have need for intimacy. We have a need to be known and to be loved. We have a need to know that someone cares.

Some areas of life create distance between people. We see it in politics, in religion, and medicine. It’s so easy to label, to judge, or to be dispassionate. But in the end, we ourselves need to be known and need to be loved. Sometimes we want to scream: “I am a person!”

God knows that need. He sent His Son into this world to become “Everyhuman” for us. The Son of God draws us close. He knows our needs. He creates not distance between us and God, but intimacy. He forgives our selfishness by His selflessness. He says, “I am a person.”

He became a person so that the space between humans and their Creator would be bridged. God knows I love U2 concerts, riding my bike, and writing my blog. More than that, He knows that I am a sinner in need of forgiveness because “I am a person,” and people are sinners. The perfect God/Man gave up His body on the tree for me.

God has created us to be social people: to care and be cared for, to know and be known, to love and be loved. We are truly human in the most wonderful sense of the word when we have special connection with one another. That’s when we exuberantly cry out with joy in our hearts: “I am a person!”…and someone cares enough to provide affirmation of that fact.

What is it that makes you feel like a “person”?

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Face to Face

When was the last time you sat down with some one face-to-face, one-on-one, with no other good purpose than simply to get to know them (better)? It’s amazing what you learn. By doing so, I have learned things I may have never known.

Learning these new things has enhanced my life. I have come to appreciate different perspectives. In a world of Bing and Google, I have come to new knowledge without looking at a computer screen. I have learned that wisdom, connections, and creativity come from the depths of flesh and blood.

In one day I sat with three completely different people:

  1. A person going through a major difficulty in life told me that he has learned that what is even more difficult is to see others who have no faith and no church. What perspective was brought from an unfortunate situation.
  2. A pastor from a different denomination taught me the finer points of church polity and offered unexpected encouragement that was really needed. A helpful introduction to someone else is also going to come about as the result of our face-to-face meeting.
  3. A person who deals with central city children each and every day taught me once again about homes and situations that I can only imagine…and hope to change.

In a fast-paced, technologically-driven world, we far too often pass up or fly right by face-to-face, one-on-one meetings. It’s a shame. There is much to be missed. There is much to be learned. There is much wisdom to be gained. There is much creativity to be sparked. There are many connections to be made.

I challenge you to sit down today, face-to-face, one-on-one, with another person…even if it’s only for fifteen minutes.

  • Ask probing and specific questions.
  • Avoid “yes or no” questions.
  • Explore something about the person you had never known before.
  • Keep your mouth closed for a while and simply listen.
  • Put yourself in the other person’s seat.
  • Try to discover one new thing about the person herself or himself.
  • Try to discover one new thing you can learn from the person.
  • Following the meeting, discern the creative spark that was lit as a result of the face-to-face.

What have you learned from having a face-to-face, one-on-one conversation?

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Re:Creating Criticism

I have learned more about blogging and social media from Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers, than perhaps anyone else. His presence alone at re:create 11 was enough for me to go out of my way to be there. One of the highlights of the conference was to have a one-on-one conversation at dinner one night with Michael. Another highlight was the thought-provoking talk he gave to all of us re:creators.

Michael Hyatt’s talk centered around a topic critical to creatives: criticism…and what to do with it. His talk engaged us immediately by giving background: “Who Am I?”; “What I Like”; “My Story”. Three excellent ways to draw an audience in.

But the meat of the talk was to speak to creatives about their number one challenge: If you’re going to survive and fulfill your God-given calling, you must learn how to handle criticism and overlook offenses. Creatives, and leaders for that matter, must embrace three truths about “offenses”:

  1. Offenses are inevitable. We have daily opportunity to be offended. The book of James reminds us that we ought not resent “offenders” as intruders, but welcome them as friends. God allows people who cause offense to come into our lives because He has a purpose — a bigger story. Daniel Dafoe, author of Robinson Crusoe, once said, “God will often deliver us in a manner that seems, initially, to destroy us.”
  2. God intends offenses for our good. At the end of Genesis, after all the things his brothers have done to him, Joseph says to them: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good….” It’s not about us, it’s about the ones God wants to save through us. It’s easy to resent people for their offense…but what if God has a purpose?
  3. Being offended is a choice. Proverbs 19:11 reminds us that true glory is to overlook an offense. You don’t have to make every wrong right. Sometimes it’s wise to overlook offenses and just keep going. When Jesus was reviled “He opened not His mouth.”

When is it the right time to overlook offenses?

  1. Don’t overlook an offense when it is intended as a correction. Listen and evaluate. Proverbs 10:17 — “He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray” (NIV).
  2. When you discern that the other person was reacting because of something else. St. Tikhon of Zadonsk once said, “See him as a fellow sufferer.”
  3. When it is undeserved, but minor. Ecclesiastes 7:21-22 says: “Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you — for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others” (NIV).
  4. When no one is affected but you.

How can you overlook offenses?

  1. Acknowledge that you’ve been offended. You can’t transcend what you don’t acknowledge.
  2. Remind yourself you have a choice. Between stimulus and response is possibility!
  3. Remember you are dead to these things. St. Makarios said, “Like the dead, take no account of either the scorn of men, or their praises.”
  4. Forgive the other person…and let it go. Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Creative people tend to be sensitive people. Criticism is difficult. But it can be overcome. Thank you, Michael!

How do you overcome criticism so that you can create your art?

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Re:Creating Life

In this ongoing series I am recapping the incredible speakers I experienced at re:create 11, a conference for “creatives” in Franklin, Tennessee. If this blog were on a piece of paper you would probably see tear stains on it. Ken Davis is certainly in the top five public speakers I have heard or witnessed in my life. For me it wasn’t so much what he said (although it, too, was fanstastic), as it was how he said it. And it brought literal tears to my eyes.

I noticed that the notes I took during his talk mostly failed me, because I was so enthralled in what Ken was saying and how he was saying it. Nonetheless, here are some of the things I jotted down:

  • There is an exhilaration you feel when you’re doing what God had in mind when He spoke you into existence.
  • Irenaeus: “The glory of God is man fully alive.”
  • Ben Franklin: “Many men die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75.”
  • Switchfoot: “I wanna wake up kicking and screaming.”
  • This life is not a waiting room for eternal life.
  • A sign of life is discipline.
  • Do what you do to live, not because it’s a living.
  • The opposite of discipline is death.
  • If you proclaim anything you will be criticized.
  • Fail quickly; get it over with.
  • Failure is the ticket to success.
  • Confidence is using your giftedness according to God’s purpose.
  • Take chances and risks.
  • “Signs of life” are relationships.

At this point, Ken began to speak about his own relationships. He introduced us to his family and his grandchildren. He told us about what he called his “Fairy Granddaughters.” He spoke about them with humor, passion, compassion, and the kind of love only a grandfather can have for his grandchildren. He engaged us by allowing us to get to know them all. I was drawn in deeply because I saw my own family in his.

And he told a story. It was a story about his granddaughter getting lost on a mountain in Colorado. The story was captivating because it was filled with “real life” situations, humor, tension, humor, exhilaration, humor, relief, and humor. This is the part of the talk when I found myself wiping away tears. I was identifying completely with the speaker and feeling the arms of the story being wrapped around me. I saw my own love and passion for my children, the way Ken has love and passion for his grandchildren.

It was a bold and blatant reminder that one of the greatest reasons to be alive is to be in relationship with those closest to you: your own family. I wasn’t taking notes at this point, but while his granddaughter was lost Ken said he found himself out in the woods on his hands and knees praying something like this: “Take my property; take everything I own; take my health; …take my life…but please bring back my granddaughter alive.”

What parent or grandparent wouldn’t pray that same prayer in a similar situation? My family is more important to me than life itself. I guess that’s why I found myself in such an emotional state at that point of the talk. I saw others wiping tears, as well (fellow re:creators, you know who you are!).

I guess Ken’s point was: God gives life in this world purpose. That purpose is filled full in many ways. One of the greatest ways is by the very people with whom we laugh and cry, sing and shout, live and breathe…the people that we call our family.

When the room was, at the end, still with the silence of incredible appreciation, Ken finished his talk with words I will never forget: “Live. For God’s sake. Live”

  • Ken had set us out to sea with self-deprecating humor.
  • He floated the bait by using interesting quotes.
  • And he set the hook by using his own story to get us to think about our own.

As Irenaeus said, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” What is it that makes you feel fully alive?


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Re:Creating Empathy

Randy Elrod is the passionate, artistic, creative entrepreneur who formed and shaped re:create, and has nurtured it over eleven years. In my continuing series of quotes from the re:create conference, this post is focused on Randy’s presentation about empathy. Believe me when I say that it generated much discussion at the conference.

Randy’s empathy was on display throughout the conference as he shed real, empathetic tears on more than one occasion. In other words, he knew that of which he was speaking.  Here are some quotes:

  • Ether = Quintessence = “The 5th Element”; Ether was known as the purest essence and was thought to permeate everything. We have a God who is “quintessence” in the greatest sense.
  • Use one word to describe yourself: that word is your brand; your “brand” is who you are not what you do.
  • The first verb of the Bible is “created”!
  • Empathy comes in three types: Cognitive, Emotional, and Compassionate.
  • Cognitive Empathy = To know another person’s feelings; to take them and use them for or against a person.
  • Emotional Empathy = To feel what another person feels.
  • Compassionate Empathy = To respond compassionately to another person’s distress.
  • The progression of these three types of empathy goes like this: I notice you…I feel with you…I act to help you (that’s what the Good Samaritan did).

Once we determine what type of empathy we most regularly practice, we can be aware of the gift from God that it is, and use it in service to ourself and to others.

  • The Creator God can recreate our past because He is the “quintessential” Father. He is ever-present in and through His Word.
  • When you feel yourself getting tense, assess it; you’re trying to be God in that moment.
  • The up side of being an empathetic person is passion, intuition, and communication.
  • The down side of being an empathetic person is that one can become an emotional sponge.
  • Be present to your God-given emotions “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Phil. 2:13).

What does empathy have to do with creativity?

  • It helps to understand that even our minds have been redeemed; understanding the spiritual “mind” that has been placed in us is key to seeing life through the eyes of Christ.
  • Christian contemplation is a commendable practice.
  • Practice imagination!
  • Practice remembering what you’ve forgotten, a la Madeline L’Engle who reminds us that every child is an artist.
  • Practice charisma, that is “the ability to make people feel comfortable in an uncomfortable space.”
  • Give people the gift of God’s presence in you.
  • Be optimistic and curious.
  • Focus on others: Pay attention to the person in front of you (listen to listen…not to fix and solve).

People do their best work when they are allowed to make progress. Give the people around you the opportunity to make progress.

As a result of this talk I’m going to work on being a more empathetic person, being more “present” to those in my life. I also want to use the gift of empathy to foster my creative spirit (see the last group of bullet points).

How do empathy and creativity work together to produce art in your life?

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Irrational Passion

OK, I admit it. On the eve of the NFC Championship game featuring the Packers and Bears, my passion, nervousness, and anticipation is irrational. I know that there are those who would never understand it. I even admit to this particular neurosis. I don’t expect people to accept it. As they say, “It is what it is.”

For the past few weeks I have been living and dying with every play of each Packer game. When injuries decimated the team early in the season I felt as though I could relax and simply enjoy any victory that they might achieve the rest of the season. But as the team stepped up, as they began to win, as they made their way into the playoffs, my irrational passion rose to the surface once again.

For the last two games of the regular season and the first two games of the playoffs I have worn a path in our living room rug. I have been spitting and fuming; I have been lamenting and rejoicing; I have leaped off the couch at the very high highs, and pounded my fist at the very low lows.

At the start of the playoffs I stated that it didn’t matter how far the Packers made it in the playoffs. It would all be icing on the cake. I lied. Now anything less than a win is going to be far more than a huge disappointment. It won’t only ruin my day. It will take me months or even years to get over it. I know. It’s just a game. It’s irrational.

Everything changed when it turned out that the Packers would be playing the Bears. You see, Green and Gold literally runs in my blood.  My maternal grandmother and grandfather lived in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, just miles down the road from Lambeau Field. They followed the Packers most of their lives. They read everything they could read about their beloved team. My great aunt had season tickets for more years than I could count. My parents are both rabid fans. My mom won’t even stay in the room if the game is close (just in case you wonder where I get it). My son and daughter, nieces and nephews bleed green and gold, too.

I grew up pretending to be Bart Starr scoring the winning touchdown with just seconds left in the game. When I wasn’t Bart Starr, I dreamt I was my favorite player, running back John Brockington, sweeping around the corner for a 40-yard run. I suffered through the Lynn Dickey years, the Forrest Gregg and Lindy Infante years, and more recently the Ray Rhodes year. I still shed a tear and get chills when I watch Brett Favre and Reggie White winning the 1997 Super Bowl, and can’t even bear to think about the 1998 Super Bowl. To this day I can’t stand the Denver Broncos.

Now it comes down to a game with the Chicago Bears in order to proceed to the Green Bay Packers’ first Super Bowl appearance since 1998. Really? Did it have to be the Bears? Did it have to be that team from south of the border that has been the arch rival since time immemorial? Did it have to be the team so appropriately dressed in villain’s black? Did it have to be the team from the city that produces more obnoxious fans per capita than any other? (OK. They probably feel the same way about the fans to their north; but, still….)

So if you listen closely tomorrow, you might hear my screams, cries, or shouts. I’ll be lunging my body forward with James Starks on the Packers running plays, and oomphing along with Clay Matthews as he makes a tackle. I’ll be wincing when Aaron Rodgers gets hit, and putting a little bit of my leg into Mason Crosby’s kicks. I’ll be cheering each fumble and interception given up by the dreaded black and orange, and hoping against all hope that my beloved Green Bay Packers will pull out an improbable run to the Super Bowl.

But if they lose, please give me my space. And if they lose, I don’t want to hear from any of you Bears fans. I know, it’s just a game. It’s irrational passion. But I am who I am. I can’t help it.

Go Packers! Please win. Please?

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Creative Discussion

I had lunch today with an author who has published two books and numerous articles. I’ve been watching him do his work over the past couple of years as he has followed around an organization in which I am intimately involved. I have seen him fly in and out of town; sit through meetings; attend events; take notes; and mostly listen.

Today we talked again about an idea he took from someone else that I’m hoping to take from him in the very near future. The idea is a “discussion group.” My writer friend lives in the Washington, D.C. area, and once a month invites together a group of people for lunch (usually about 25 or more). Along with the “regulars” my friend invites a special guest or two.

The special guests come from the realm of politics, the arts, journalism, and many other disciplines. The guests spend the first ten or fifteen minutes presenting a topic and then the rest of the time is spent asking questions, discussing the presentation and issues, and simply listening. They meet every month of the year except for August.

People move in and out of the group, but there are about 15 people who are there just about every month. They like to learn. They like to debate. They like to question.

This monthly meeting is a great filling station for creatives of all kinds. That’s why I want to start a group like this. Creativity can go fleeting away very quickly if there isn’t anything to fill the creative tank.

Books and articles that I have read on the topic of creativity certainly support this. For instance, Julia Cameron says in The Artist’s Way that any type of creative person ought to take him or herself on a “creative date” each and every week. She says to go all by yourself to a movie, museum, or even a five and dime store to simply observe, think, and be filled.

I’ve tried it, and it works very well. But I think I like this idea even better. Get together with others. Pick their brains. Discuss. Debate. Take some notes. Fill the tank. Simply listen.

I’d love for you to join me in a group like this. What kinds of ideas do you have for filling one’s creative tank?

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When Did THAT Happen?

This morning I was filling out a registration form for something online. One of the questions hit me with a start: “Do you have any children under the age of 18 living in your household?” I had to check the box that said, “No.” I thought to myself, “When did that happen?”

It’s been a year-and-a-half now since either of our kids have permanently been living in our house. I, of course, knew that. But life moves so fast, things transition so quickly, and the calendar pages get torn off and thrown away almost without notice. Sometimes we are jarred into the reality of time moving on.

This time of year, more than any other, seems to do that to people. I think it’s because the holiday season is a time of year filled with tradition and traditions. When traditions are carried out year after year we begin to realize that time moves on. We look back to past years and realize that even our traditions just aren’t quite what they used to be. Some of the decorations seem a bit dated. We notice that there are people who were once part of our traditions that are no longer.  Just like that we’re sharing our tradition and traditions with our adult children whom we once carried to our traditional events. When did that happen?

The hymn writer said, “Time, like an ever-rolling stream soon bears us all away.” Not exactly the joyful hymn lyrics you’d expect at this time of year. In fact, “O God, Our Help in Ages Past” is usually a hymn used a little later on in the season, traditionally on New Year’s Eve. But the words are incredibly appropriate right now as they go on to remind us that our God has been a “help in ages past,” and will be “our hope for years to come.” More than that, He is “our guard while troubles last last and our eternal home.”

There’s something deeply joyful about that. Nothing ever stays the same. But that doesn’t mean that we have to live in the traditions of the past. What a joy it is now to no longer “have children under the age of 18 living in our home.”

Don’t get me wrong. I miss having our kids in the house, and I miss the joys (and challenges!) of raising children. But “no longer having children under the age of 18 living in our home” means that we get to watch the exciting things that come about when adult lives develop. It means that we have a deep relationship like no other relationship on earth — the relationship between a parent and a child — which brings the joy of middle-of-the-day phone calls, watching them strike out into the world on their own, sensing pride in their accomplishments, sharing theological and political conversations, and the anticipation of seeing one another face-to-face whenever that next time will be.

Time certainly is an “ever-rolling” stream. But there’s something deeply profound and wonderful about that. Things change. But “change” doesn’t always mean things are worse. Often “time” and “change” make things much, much better.

From the bottom of my heart I believe that time marches on toward one Great Day and one Great Purpose. As a Christian, I know that time will never cease. I know that though passing time sometimes makes me melancholy in this life, there will come a day when life (eternal!) will no longer move so quickly, things will no longer transition or deteriorate, and no one will pay any attention to calendar pages. At that time, “time” will be a non-factor, and that will bring me joy.

I, for one, can’t wait to be jarred into that reality…the reality that N.T. Wright calls “life after life after death.” That’s exactly why, at this time of year, through all of our tradition and traditions, we celebrate the new birth of a King who entered into human time so that time for us will never end.

When did that happen? It happened 2000 years ago, and it happens in our hearts and lives in this great season, and through all the changes, challenges, and chances of life. It happens by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.

What are your thoughts on the transitionary nature of time?