I have often failed as a parent. I need as much forgiveness from my children as they are willing to give. But, having said that, I couldn’t be more proud of the people they have become. And much of that is due to the wonderful influence of their mother.

But here are a few words of advice from a parent and grandparent who is still trying to do his best in those roles:

Children are a priority. Even and especially above work. Work will always be there. Children grow up very, very quickly and need the presence and TIME of their parents. Being a parish pastor for me was a 24-hour-a-day job. I could have worked every waking minute of every day. But I always made sure to take my day off. And I always made sure to do whatever I could to give not leftover time, but prime time to my children. That meant attending Ashlyn’s shows as often as I possibly could. It meant coaching Ben’s baseball teams all the way through high school. It meant attending their events and being present for significant moments in their lives. I wouldn’t trade those minutes, moments, and hours for anything.

Children need boundaries. As children grow up they will test boundaries to see how far those boundaries can stretch and how much they can get away with. As much as children may dislike boundaries, they are actually a source of comfort. Deep down inside children know that boundaries mean they are loved. Boundaries mean telling toddlers to keep their hands off of a hot stove and teenagers to be home by their curfew (I can’t tell you the number of times my wife, Tammy, and I heard the gate at our Milwaukee house slam at the stroke of midnight — or whatever the curfew was — as Ben made it home just in the nick of time. But Ben and Ashlyn always made it home by curfew). Boundaries indicate care and love.

Children are wet cement. Tammy and I read a book by this title years and years ago. But it still applies. Little ears hear everything their parents say, especially when they are talking to other people. Children become what parents say they are. So, when speaking to other people about your children (when they are in your presence), praise them, speak highly of them, and show with your words that you are proud of them.

Children need love and forgiveness. Being a parent means always unconditionally loving your children. It’s not always easy. In fact, it is sometimes downright difficult. Sometimes love means discipline. Sometimes love means simply holding a child who’s hurting physically or emotionally. Children will sometimes do downright mean things and act as though they hate you. But a Christian parent will model the forgiveness of Jesus. Forgiven children learn to forgive and loved children learn to love.

Have fun with your children. There is plenty of time to do homework and chores. There is plenty of time to be serious and businesslike. Take a break sometimes. Play a game. Watch a movie. Laugh. Read a funny book. Play catch. Ride bikes. Go get ice cream. Have fun!

Fuel your children’s dreams. This means having high expectations for your children. But it also means allowing them the opportunity to do the things about which they are passionate. And it also means taking the words “I can’t” out of their vocabulary. Encourage children to at least TRY before they say, “I can’t.” The world will tell them that they can’t. Your job is to tell them they CAN (or that they can at least TRY).

Give children Jesus. There is nothing — NOTHING — more important than this. Remind them of their baptism. Take them to church every Sunday. Give them a Christian education. Pray with them. Read the Bible with them every night. Listen to Christian music and podcasts. When they go to college help them find a church home. Pray that they will one day marry a Christian spouse. Give children Jesus. It matters for eternity.

Dear Crosby:

You just left our house after a Saturday afternoon together. Earlier today your mom texted us and said that you kept saying you wanted to come over to our house. We had other tentative plans for the evening, but whenever you say you want to come over to our house we pretty much cancel everything and make plans to have you over. So we went to the grocery store to get burgers to throw on the grill, and of course some watermelon because you and your little sister, Colbie, love it.

Sometimes when you leave our house I wish you were old enough to text with me. I wish I could text you right now and say, “That was so much fun! I can’t wait until you come over again!” We did all the stuff you love to do at our house. Play with our huge bin full of cars. Color in our coloring books and play with play-doh that Grandmom makes from scratch.

You love to play in what you call “my room,” because it’s “your room” when you sleep over. You and Colbie love to jump on the bed in there, and we let you. You love to open the plastic eggs in that room where Grandmom hides little surprises. And you can’t wait to look in the desk drawer to see if you can find some Skittles. (You did tonight, of course). You ate the M&M’s and Little Bites that are always available and Grandmom and Granddad’s house.

When you come over you always play with our little Brio train set. And you love to ride the little toy motorcycle we keep in the garage. Tonight, after dinner you put on your bicycle helmet, and we all took a walk while you rode your bike. You’re so good at balancing on it that you’re almost ready to ride a “real bike.” Of course we had to walk over to the fountain where you love to throw rocks into the water. Almost every time you come to our house we walk over there, I get the rocks that are in the bottom of the fountain, and you throw them back in. You’ve been doing that almost as long as you could walk.

Right now you’re at the stage where you love to wipe my kisses off whenever I kiss you, because you know I don’t like it when you do that. I act like I’m sad when you wipe my kisses off, so you come to me and tell me to kiss you so you can wipe another one off. But I noticed that when you left tonight, you didn’t wipe off the last kiss I gave you.

As soon as you left I missed you. I wanted to text you and tell you to have a good night’s sleep. I wanted that one last little connection with you. But I knew you were taking a bath and getting ready for bed. I hope you had sweet dreams of all the fun stuff we got to do at our house today.

After you left I couldn’t help thinking about next Monday when you will be going to school for the very first time. You’re going to preschool. It’s just two mornings a week. And it will be good for you. You’ll learn to be away from Mommy and Daddy for a little while. You’ll make new friends. You’ll play with the trucks they have at school. The playground will be fun and exciting. And you’ll learn so many new things.

But Granddad is having a hard time with it. At this moment in time you live in a little bubble that’s safe, and comfortable, and fun. Mommy, Daddy, Grandmom, and Granddad pray with you, tell you that Jesus loves you, and teach you things that we know and believe to be true. Pretty soon you’ll be (only slightly) released into the world where you might learn things that aren’t always in your best interests. You might see things that I wish you’d never have to see. You’ll experience kids taking away your toys and refusing to share, they’ll say things that wouldn’t meet the approval of Mommy and Daddy, and you might be a little scared or sad at some of the things you experience.

But, in the end, I know that you have to grow up. I know that you have to go to school. Everybody does. But always know that your Granddad loves you so much he would give his very life for you. Always know that, more than that, Jesus loves you with a love that will never, ever end, die, or fade. Always know that your family is filled with your biggest fans who will love and support you through it all.

Take your backpack that’s covered with trucks, your little lunch box, and wear your brand new Vans. Go out into the big, wide world equipped with all that great stuff. But even more than that, go out there wrapped in the love, protection, and peace of God. Because, after all, He loves you far more than I ever could. And I want to tell you, Crosby, that’s a whole, whole lot. More than you will ever know.

I can’t wait until you come over to our house again.
I love you, Buster. Thanks for being my little buddy.

Love, Granddad.

It’s time for all those end of year retrospectives, so I guess I’ll add my own. The year 2017 was filled with an array of events both globally and personally. But it seemed as though you, my readers, were interested in things having to do with church, hurricanes, and family. Please allow me to thank you for returning to my blog again and again. Without anyone to read these posts this blog wouldn’t exist. My deepest thanks to you if you’ve read just one post, or if you read every one that comes out. I appreciate you.

So without any further adieu, here are your favorite posts from 2017. Have another look:

1. What It Means When Your Church’s Worship Isn’t Cool
2. 5 Reasons We Miss You When You’re Not in Church
3. Welcome to the World Crosby
4. Why the Solar Eclipse Should Make Us Look Down (And It’s Not What You Think)
5. Why Waiting with Patience Is an Important Lesson
6. One Very Good Reason God Created Marriage
7. What It Takes to Be a Good Church Member
8. What It’s Like to Live Through a Hurricane
9. When Memorial Day Becomes Real
10. What to Do When You Doubt That You’re Good

Have a Happy New Year!

What was your favorite thing about 2017?

Ernest Hemingway may be the 20th century literary creative icon that stands above all others. He wrote such masterpieces as The Old Man and the Sea and A Farewell to Arms. When it comes to creativity you could do worse than to look to him. In 1934 a young man named Arnold Samuelson hitched a ride on a coal car from Minnesota all the way to Key West. His goal was to spend at least an hour with Hemingway trying to learn something about the craft of writing. He ended up spending a year with the master.

Amongst the many other things Samuelson learned, this was one that stood out. Hemingway said:

The most important thing I’ve learned about writing is never write too much at a time… Never pump yourself dry. Leave a little for the next day. The main thing is to know when to stop. Don’t wait till you’ve written yourself out. When you’re still going good and you come to an interesting place and you know what’s going to happen next, that’s the time to stop. Then leave it alone and don’t think about it; let your subconscious mind do the work.

I’ve heard it said (though haven’t tracked down a reliable source) that Hemingway would use a simple technique to keep his writing moving. He would apparently write half a sentence at the end of the day. He knew how it would end. So he’d be able to pick right up the next day where he left off. It sounds easy. But it’s really not.

The hard work of writing came as Hemingway would write and rewrite. It came as he would the morning hours writing what he had researched and dreamed up in his mind. Hemingway claimed that he rewrote A Farewell to Arms over fifty times. Nothing complicated about it. Write. And then rewrite. Not complicated, but very difficult and very hard work.

Two lessons from Hemingway:

1. Quit when you know where you’re going next. Use your own trick to “stop in the middle of the sentence” and pick up where you left off.
2. You won’t have a masterpiece on your first try. Don’t be afraid to tweak, rewrite, re-work, and do whatever you can to refine your work. It will be all that much better.

What tricks do you use to inspire your creativity?

This is part of an occasional series of lessons in creativity from creative masters.

One single issue in the church has become increasingly prominent in this still new 21st century. It’s the issue of regular weekend worship. For the purposes of this post we’ll define “regular worship” as attending a church service three to four times per month. In my very limited experience (the viewpoint of one congregation), the number of people living up to this definition is fewer and further between. But it appears that my experience isn’t unique.

Here’s one opinion. When you are a member of a congregation, and you miss church, it’s not just about you. There are people who need you and miss you.

There are at least five reasons we miss you when you’re not in church:

1. Our church family is not complete. Church is a family that is not connected by human blood, but by the blood of Jesus. In some ways, we are closer than our human family. We are a forever family. When one or more of us are missing we are, in a very real way, incomplete.
2. Our song isn’t quite as strong. Music is an integral part of worship. Even in heaven. But on earth our song isn’t quite as strong when voices are missing. What should be full-throated praise ends up sounding much more like a whimper.
3. Our financial stewardship is weakened. It’s been shown that when people don’t attend church they aren’t likely to make their regular donation. When people are in church they are far more likely to make a donation of some kind. They are moved to give by the preaching and power of God’s Word. When churches struggle with their bills there is ministry that fails to be accomplished.
4. Our pews and seats are empty. You might wonder why this matters. “OK…so there are some empty seats.” But think of the guest who walks into the church and wonders where everyone is. There’s a good chance they might not return. People like to be a part of things that are on the upward swing.
5. Our gifts and talents fall short. When we don’t all join together for weekend worship we don’t have all of our gifts and talents in one place. Just think of the opportunities that might be missed. It might go something like this: You’re an idea person and I work well with my hands. You come up with an idea to build a brand new baptismal font. I have the ability to build it. But if we aren’t together in church to make a connection between the two of us this beautiful piece of art will never happen.

See what we miss when you’re not there? We miss you. And you are an important part of who we are as God’s people.

We’ll see you in church this Sunday, OK?

Two of my high school classmates recently lost their homes to fires. The same thing nearly happened to us this past Saturday. I was away at church. Tammy was home with our son, Ben, and his wife Emily. Tammy broiled something in the oven. She looked away just a bit too long. Next thing she knew she looked into the oven and it was filled with flames.

Tammy yelled to Ben to call 911. Of all times for him to be away from his phone this was it. He is never away from his phone. It’s attached to his hand. But this one time he didn’t have it. So she grabbed our fire extinguisher, pulled the pin, aimed it into the oven, and shot. Just like that the fire was out. And just like that there was extinguisher residue all over the house.

By the time I came home it was all cleaned up. Tammy was still shaken up. It could have been much, much worse. We could be homeless today.

But we’re not. When Tammy told me what happened, the first thing I thought about is what I would miss if our house burned down. I honestly couldn’t think of too many things that simply couldn’t be replaced. But this event reminded me:

• There are plenty of things I should get rid of. If I wouldn’t miss it if it were lost in a fire, maybe I should give it away, donate it, or recycle it.
• The most important things in life aren’t things. There’s nothing more important than faith and family. I would never want to lose either of them. Thankfully neither have been taken away.
• Even though I wouldn’t miss much of my “stuff,” it would be horrible if I lost it. I’m certainly not wishing I would lose my earthly possessions. They do mean something, or I wouldn’t have them. But I had better remember that their lasting value is limited.
• A home in which to live ought not be taken for granted. It’s so nice to come home at the end of a day and find a place that is comfortable and filled with the people and the things that are significant to us.
• A fire extinguisher is a mighty important thing to have. You never know when you’ll need it.

How do you take stock of your priorities?

St. Paul said it. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25). Impossible, right? Yes. It is. Christ gave Himself for the church by hanging dead on a cross. You or I could never fully live that kind of love. That’s utter and complete sacrifice. But there is a sense in which we can live a fraction of that kind of love. I’ve seen it.

If you have a son-in-law I can only wish for you that he would live up to the standards of mine. We liked Josh from the minute we met him. But we love him even more now that we have seen the way he treats our daughter. Even more so throughout the course of her recent pregnancy and delivery of our first grandchild.

I can’t even count the number of times he said to her over the last nine months: “Are you OK?” He made sure a healthy, picture perfect dinner was ready for her every night when she came home from work. Josh oversaw her diet. He cautioned her about what to eat and what not to eat (or drink). Josh accompanied her to every doctor visit and did what he could for her when she experienced the pain of contractions. The decorations in the corner of their little apartment have just as many of Josh’s fingerprints as Ashlyn’s.

In the 48 hours before the delivery Josh took Ashlyn to the Labor and Delivery Triage at the hospital no less than three times. He was with her through every contraction and push. Now that little Crosby has been born his care for our daughter and his new son has been ramped up even more. He’s more involved in feeding, and care, and newborn tactics than I ever was. Josh is serving them hand and foot…literally.

He has not hung on a cross for them, but I’m pretty sure he would if he had to. It doesn’t mean he’s any more saintly than you or I. It just means that he loves in the way that he has been called to by Christ Himself. He is giving of himself in nearly every possible way. He sacrifices self for the sake of those he loves.

I couldn’t ask for more for the ones I love so much.

When have you seen this kind of love?