How to Raise a Son

May 10, 2013 in Family, Inspiration, Relationships with 7 Comments

This past weekend we watched our only son, Ben, graduate from college. College graduation is a milestone not only for a student, but also for the parents of that student. It marks years of care, nurture, counsel, advice, time, and effort. When our daughter graduated from college I wrote a post entitled, “How to Raise a Daughter.” Here’s the corresponding post.

Father and Son

I’m not presumptuous enough to say that I have all the answers, or that I could prescribe the perfect way to raise a son. But these are some of the things that worked well for my wife, Tammy, and me, and could work well for you, too.

  1. Express your love as frequently and in as many ways as you can. It’s OK for a dad to say, “I love you” to his son. Hugs and literal “pats on the back” from both mom and dad express love and care in tangible ways. In a world that tends to beat people down, boys need to know that they are loved. Unconditionally. In as many ways as possible. And demonstrate what love really looks like by loving your spouse.
  2. Encourage creativity. When Ben was young we provided him with as many creative materials as we could put in his hands. Sometimes, as a young child, he would spend hours simply using boxes and paper bags to create things that still boggle my mind. Creativity is useful all the way throughout life, from school through a career. Encourage it.
  3. Teach, support, and reward good study habits. That means helping in any way possible, and if you don’t know it or understand it, find someone who does. Lots of people are willing to help kids discover, study, and learn.
  4. Provide opportunities in sports, the arts, and music. Over the years, Ben played organized baseball, performed in plays and musicals (including Shakespeare), took piano and guitar lessons, sang in choirs, and organized bands of his own. Let a boy choose which direction he’d like to go…and if he wants to do it all, let him (within reason).
  5. Be involved. While Ben was playing baseball, I coached. In fact, I was a coach for his baseball teams every year but one. He knew that I cared enough about him to be there as often as I could. And we made it a point to attend just about all of his performances and concerts.
  6. Teach him respect for girls. It starts at home when dad shows respect for mom. But it also comes through conversations encouraging a boy to be a “gentleman”…to hold the door open, to compliment others, and to draw proper boundaries.
  7. Help him to appreciate the value of hard work and money. This can be done through the responsible use of “allowance,” taking on part time jobs, even the value of studying hard to work toward a desired outcome. When boys learn at an early age to value these things, later on in life they don’t expect things to be handed to them on a “silver platter.”
  8. Balance firm discipline with age-appropriate latitude. Boys need boundaries. They will test those boundaries. Those boundaries should remain firm. When those boundaries are crossed there must be consequences. On the other hand, with age comes more freedom and responsibility. As he grows older, let out an appropriate amount of slack.
  9. Communicate with him. Communication was important from the time Ben was little. But it became even more important as he moved into high school and college. Tammy and I made it a point to always be ready to listen, to discuss, to give appropriate advice, and then let Ben make decisions based on what he had heard and learned. I think if you’d ask Ben, he’d probably tell you that he especially appreciated close communication as he moved nine hours away from home and went to college. He knew he always had someone to talk to…and to listen.
  10. Take him to church, bring him up in the church, make church a regular part of every week. When he is a child take him to church and Sunday School every Sunday. When he is in high school make church attendance an expectation, not an option. When he is in college, personally help him find a church home that is suitable to him. This includes praying for him all along the way. Bar none, this is the most important of these ten items.

This is not an exclusive list, so what would you add to it?

Boston Balloons

April 16, 2013 in Inspiration with 4 Comments

Just after the first Boston Marathon bomb went off there were three yellow balloons that floated off into the air. It was a reminder of celebration in the midst of tragedy. In fact, tragedy isn’t the word for it. Brutality? Terror? Calamity? Catastrophe?

Yellow Balloons

But those balloons. They reminded me of the miracle of Jesus’ ascension. When He ascended, He didn’t go away. He transformed His presence so that now He was not limited to time and space. As a result of His ascension He was now able to be present everywhere, all the time.

That means He was present, too, at the site of the bombing in Boston. C.S. Lewis once said, “There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter-claimed by Satan.”

People went to the finish line of the Boston Marathon to celebrate the incredible achievement of someone near and dear. Instead, Satan counter-claimed ground that rightly belongs to God the Creator, and terror rained down as people were badly injured and even lost their lives.

But God counter-claimed it once again as people went running to help. It was counter-claimed as first responders risked their lives, as strangers cared, as doctors and nurses attended, as people prayed, sought the Lord, and found His peace.

God counter-claimed it all, not as people asked, “Why?” He counter-claimed it as people asked, “Where?” “Where is God in all of this.” He counter-claimed it as people remembered or were reminded that God did not even spare His own Son, but gave Him up as an atoning sacrifice for the sins of the world.

In the midst of the worst evil the world can know, God is present. We know that He is because He was present on the cross of Good Friday to redeem the world from all sin and from all evil.

God is present even where evil seems to reign. He is there to forgive, to redeem, to bring peace, to show love, and to save.

Three yellow balloons floating away from the explosion reminded me that the Triune God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, is present for His people. 

He never leaves us or forsakes us. 

He is with us always. 

If we can celebrate nothing else in the midst of tragedy, we celebrate our ascended, present, peace-giving Lord. He loves, forgives, and saves.

Where do you see God in the midst of tragedy?

The Building Block of Building Trust

April 12, 2013 in Inspiration, Leadership, Relationships with 0 Comments

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trust. It’s because I’ve been witnessing far too much mistrust. Mistrust makes progress so much more difficult. It creates more hurdles than there need be. It erects barriers that are difficult to climb.

Turst

As I sit back and watch certain circles of mistrust, I think to myself: “I know both of these people, and they’re both good people. Why don’t they trust one another?” 

What it boils down to is that they really don’t know one another. I can remember being on the ground floor of building a community organizing group in Milwaukee. We hired an extremely well-qualified individual to lead our organization. He and I seemed to have little in common. We liked each other well enough, but I certainly never thought we would become friends.

That’s exactly why he intentionally took the time to sit down with me, one-on-one, and took the time to get to me…and I him. We got to know each other not as “labels,” but as people, individuals with families,with likes and dislikes, with passions and pursuits. As a result, we have become great friends.

The key to trust is getting to know someone else as a person. I love the old quote: “Be nice, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

  • Don’t mistrust
  • Don’t dislike
  • Don’t look askance
  • Don’t think you can’t be a friend to someone….

Until you have taken the time to really get to know someone.

Trust makes the world a much better place. It makes progress easier. It makes hurdles disappear. It tears down barriers.

Whom is it that you most mistrust right now? What would happen if you sat down, face to face, and really got to know her or him?

I challenge you to give it a try. You may be greatly surprised at the results.

At the very least, you will develop an empathy for the hard battle someone else is fighting. 

What advice do you have for building trust?

Why Spend Your Life Doing the Same Thing and Not Growing?

April 5, 2013 in Creativity, Inspiration with 6 Comments

Immediately I knew we were in the presence of greatness. Bruce Hornsby came out looking unkempt but proper. He bowed to the audience, sat down, and put his hands to the keys of the piano. The jazz, classical, Motown, and pop influenced tunes were almost unbelievable in their complexity and nuanced diversity. Classical jazz stylings were mixed with pop. When he finally took a break to speak, Horsnby said: “Why spend your life doing the same thing and not growing?”

Piano Keyboard

As a result, he played familiar songs that were now not quite as familiar. He wove songs and styles together. He seemed to be growing in his passion and skill even as the concert moved on.

“Why spend your life doing the same thing and not growing?” Bruce Hornsby made it clear that he is a lifelong student. He can’t stop learning. He adds wisdom and skill to his musicianship and creates something new every time he sits down at the piano. It was a magical night being in the presence of greatness.

I agree with Hornsby. It’s one of the reasons I set aside time each day to peruse my Twitter feed. Every single day I learn something new through blogs, articles, and posts that come via Twitter. It truly is the “educational” version of social media.

The longer you’ve been doing something, the more it will be beneficial to you and to those you serve, or work with, or teach, to do something that will bring growth:

  • Read
  • Try a new teaching style
  • Ask someone who knows nothing about your work to make a suggestion
  • Mix genres
  • Write something bold
  • Listen to a child
  • Peruse Twitter
  • Start a discussion on Social Media

The more you learn and grow, the more excellent you will be in your skills. You will have something to pass on to someone else. She will be inspired to get away from “doing the same thing” and finding opportunity for growth. It’s contagious.

At least it was for me after I watched and listened to Bruce Hornsby masterfully play the piano and sing.

It’s a great question. 

Why?

Why spend your life doing the same thing and not growing?

What do you every day to “grow”?

How to Affirm Harmony and Unity

March 12, 2013 in Inspiration, Leadership, Ministry with 0 Comments

You wouldn’t think that riding your bike would provide examples of harmony and unity. Just steps away from our house is a bike trail with incredible vegetation, vistas that provide sweeping views, and access to a pier that goes out into a large lake filled with jumping fish, wetland birds, alligators, and wildlife of all kinds. The other day I saw a turkey on the shore. One evening I watched the sun dip down into the far side of the lake.

Harmony and Unity

One of the best parts of any bike ride on that trail, is spending time out on that pier watching how the unity and harmony of nature plays itself out. There is an ecosystem that works the way in which it was intended by the Creator. There is life. And there is death. There is beauty. And in the midst of that beauty, ugly things, too.

In other words, it’s a mess. Just like life.

Yet in all of it there is harmony and unity that exhibits the way all things work together for good.

I have now had eight months to become part of the ecosystem of a new (for me) congregation. I have been serving, teaching, preaching, visiting, listening, asking, working, learning, and living with the people of Ascension Lutheran Church.  We’ve been trying to put the pieces together. I feel as though I’ve been placed into an ecosystem that had already been working well, but was seeking ways to find even greater harmony and unity.

For months we have been having meetings and events designed to bring greater harmony and unity into an ecosystem where people have been brought together for a specific purpose. It’s not always easy. Where there are personalities, changes, and opinions, there are ups and downs, highs and lows. But where people have a common there is always a harmony and unity whether or not it is realized.

Last month we got together as a congregation to talk about unity, harmony, and purpose. It was an event that was well-received and met with enthusiasm. From the people who set up the room and put together the luncheon, to those who sat at tables laughing and talking with one another, to artists who made balloon animals and took photos, there was a spirit of unity and harmony.

But the event ended in a way that demonstrated the unity and harmony that some may not have realized was present. Members of our traditional choir and our praise band came together at the front of the room to lead the entire group in singing, “Now Thank We All Our God.” Everyone willingly and happily joined hands together all the way around the room in an outward demonstration of unity and harmony.

God demonstrates unity and harmony in many and various ways. When His baptized people come together there is no greater unity and harmony here on earth. It isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s even ugly and death-defying.

The ecosystem of God’s church ought to be demonstrated far more than it often is. 

Where do you see harmony and unity demonstrated in the church, or otherwise?

When I Was a (Re:Created) Civil War Soldier

February 13, 2013 in Creativity, Inspiration with 5 Comments

As twilight sparkled behind the Tennessee hill, I thought I saw a Union soldier cresting its top. It was either a lantern or a light catching the eye of a deer. Either way, I wanted no part of it. If there were even the possibility of an enemy unit I knew my life was about to be in danger. So, when I was a Civil War soldier, I held my breath, didn’t move a muscle, and kept my good eye fixed on the top of the hill as the re:create twilight turned to night.

Twilight Hill

Actually, this was just last week. I was at the re:create conference in Franklin, Tennessee. Each evening we came out of the venue to take a breather or head somewhere for dinner. And when we did, I looked at the twilight twinkling behind that stately Franklin hill and imagined I had been living 140 years earlier. I couldn’t help but wonder what it must have been like to be sitting there staring off into the distance, keeping my guard up, wondering whether this night might be my last.

I think my imagination was running wild because the re:create conference gave me permission to do just that. It was so refreshing to spend a good four days with speakers, musicians, artists, and fellow Christian creatives who didn’t judge, who threw the floodgates of art wide open, who genuinely cared for one another. We were treated to amazing live musical performances of all different kinds. Listened and learned from world class speakers. Spent ample time discussing our art (and church practice), and even got to see a phenomenal Christian “illusionist.”

The purpose of re:create is to “encourage, refresh, and diffuse.” The encouragement came not only from speakers at the podium, it came from friends across the table. The refreshment came not only from songs filled our hearts with grace and our mouths with praise, it came through late night conversations with kindred spirits. The diffusion came not only as we sat in small groups discussing “take aways” from masterful talks, it came in quiet times early in the morning as we reflected on all that had taken place.

I was encouraged and refreshed by live music from the likes of Phil Madeira, Water and Rust, Graham Kendrick, Melissa Greene, and Amy Stroup. Live music, like nothing else, brings a happy calm to my soul. I was lost in so many moments, as I took in the masterful artistry and the compelling lyrics.

It’s no wonder that when I walked out into the twilight my imagination ran wild and I was free to be a Civil War soldier.

Now it’s time to diffuse all that I experienced and use it to practice my art in my time and at my place in life. In my vocation I will be a greater artist because of what I experienced at re:create ’13.

When was the last time you allowed your imagination to run wild? What did you envision?

Creatively Influencing Culture for the Good

January 22, 2013 in Uncategorized with 4 Comments

C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien both served as English professors at the University of Oxford. They creatively influenced culture for the good. If you’ve ever seen the movie Shadowlands (and it you haven’t, you really should), you saw them both having great discussions in a group they started called the Inklings. The Inklings was an informal literary discussion group. It was a group that wasn’t influenced by culture, but instead became an influence on culture through creativity, writing, and art.

Acoustic guitar with wood background

Watch out. There’s a new version of the Inklings in Nashville, Tennessee. This version doesn’t do its work in the area of literature. This is a group of musicians.

They hang out at Frothy Monkey Coffee Shop. They eat at places on 12th South like Edley’s BBQ, Burger Up, and Sloco Sandwiches. (If you ever get to Nashville, don’t miss 12th South!)

They write music together. They play in each other’s bands. They do mini tours together. They genuinely root for each other.

In the near future keep your eyes open for names like:

My college days were the hey day of Contemporary Christian Music (CCM). I can remember sitting around in our dorm rooms debating whether CCM influenced culture, or whether culture influenced the Christian music industry. Deep down inside we all knew the answer. Christian music was often just a bad imitation of popular music with “Christian” lyrics.

Now the new Inklings are out to take the world by storm, influencing culture for the good by creating great art. They are all Christian, but their art isn’t a watered down version of art that’s already out there. Their morals, compassion, and empathy shine through their new music and their lives. The way they fight for each other, care for each other, and make art with each other is the light of Christ shining in and through them. They use their art as a vehicle to connect with people and have a positive influence.

People are beginning to take notice that there is something different about the way these and other artists go about their business. A very small corner of our culture is being influenced for the good. Before you know it, an even larger portion of our society may get a taste of it as well.

And I, for one, think that’s a really good thing.

How can you and your friends find a way to influence culture for the good and in a Christ-centered way?

17 Days Toward the Fulfillment of Big Dreams

January 18, 2013 in Uncategorized with 0 Comments

I finally did it today. It’s January 17th, and I finally did it. Before the end of last year I bought a really cool new calendar, called a “Seize the Year” calendar from neuyear.net. It’s described as being “stylish and innovative calendar” designed to “help you plan your year & punch 2013 in the throat.” Just seventeen days on the way to the fulfillment of big dreams.

Neu Year Calendar

I finally put it up today. 17 days into the year.

It was on the floor being flattened out because it came rolled up in a tube. I walked by it every day as I came in and out of my office. It sat there on the floor for more than seventeen days, and I just couldn’t bring myself to put it up.

I finally did it today. I forced myself to pick it up, peel the backing off the stickers that hold it to the wall, measured it up so that it was straight, and put hung it on the wall.

As I hung it up there I realized why it took my seventeen days to hang the thing on the wall:

  • I was scared
  • I was nervous
  • I knew that putting it up would mean that I would be holding myself accountable

There are some big plans and goals that I’m going to put on the calendar. As I think about them, I’m afraid of failure. I’m nervous I won’t follow through. Accountability is a scary thing because it means work, persistence, perseverance, tenacity, resolve, and diligence. It means time well ordered and well spent.

Now it’s on the wall and it’s time to overcome fear, nervousness, and lack of accountability. Sometimes a simple, “stylish and innovative” piece of paper is all it takes to light a fire that ignites the engines and gets a project started. Three or four big projects are going to be mapped out on that calendar, and I can’t wait to see the progress by the end of the year.

Seth Godin says the best time to start was yesterday. If you didn’t start yesterday, the second best time to start is today.

Maybe I’m 17 days too late. I didn’t start yesterday…or the day before. But I’m doing the second best thing.

And now there’s a simple piece of paper that holds me accountable. 

Planning great things is the first step toward doing great things.

What tools do you use to hold yourself accountable to pursue your big dreams?

How to Find Sense When You’re “Out of Sorts”

January 14, 2013 in Inspiration with 4 Comments

Recently I have felt “out of sorts.” I can’t put my finger on it. I guess it’s a mixture of missing our “old” life in Milwaukee, trying to settle into  our “new” life in Florida, and seeking to establish a routine that is productive, creative, and fulfilling. It’s taking some time to make all of that happen.

Exhilaration

That’s why I’m finding the routine of the Church Year comforting. The rhythm and pattern of following the life of Jesus and then the life and growth of the church brings a certain calm and security. I’ve been through this pattern year after year throughout the course of my life. There’s something to be said for familiarity. It brings “sameness” while there is change all around.

Lauren Winner also reminded me of this in her new book, Still: Notes on a Mid-Life Faith Crisis. Yesterday’s date on the liturgical calendar was The Baptism of Our Lord. Winner writes brilliantly about the meaning of that special day:

The Epiphany story that most tempts my memory is the story of Jesus’ baptism. There is John at the river Jordan, and there are all those unwashed people who have come for his baptism, and in the queue is Jesus, who is without sin, who shouldn’t be in that line with all those sinning people: with Sam, the notorious adulterer; Jack, who’s known for swindling old ladies out of their last bit of income; Lila, who’s rumored to have committed infanticide; and also Mina, who’s just not very nice; and Michael, the prideful prig; and Gary, who made a fortune using shady business tactics. One by one, each of these sinners appears at the head of John’s line. And then Jesus appears. And John says, “I need to be baptized by you, and you come to me?” and Jesus insists.

The official reason that this is an Epiphany story is that after Jesus is baptized, a dove alights, and a voice comes from heaven declaring, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” The voice is taken to be the answer to Epiphany’s question: this is who Jesus is — he is God’s  well-beloved and pleasing son. But this year, hearing in church again about Jesus’ baptism, I wonder if, before the voice from heaven and the celestial dove, it is also Jesus standing in line by the river that tells us who he is. At Christmastime, the church called Jesus Emmanuel, which means God-with-us — and now he is with us in the baptismal queue. He is the One who stands with humanity in this line that is all about our sinning, our shame.

And I am in this baptismal line too, with all those tawdry first-century sinners, with the embezzler and the adulterer and the prig. I’d prefer to stand aside from them, from the woman who committed infanticide and the man who cooked the books. But I stand here too. It feels like a relief.

It’s a relief to stand in that line. It brings comfort. It brings certainty. It brings familiarity.

But most importantly, it brings forgiveness.

And that is what I need to bring a life that is somewhat “out of sorts” back into sync again.

What is it that brings you comfort when you’re feeling “out of sorts”?

I am Jean Valjean (and So Are You)

January 8, 2013 in Inspiration, Ministry, Uncategorized with 5 Comments

I am Jean Valjean, and so are you.

On Christmas Day our whole family went to see Les Mis. For me, the most powerful and striking scene (amongst many) was toward the beginning after Jean Valjean is released from prison. He had been serving years of hard time for stealing a loaf of bread. He can’t get anyone to take him in or give him a job. Finally, a priest takes him in. Valjean looks awful. He’s dirty, unkempt, tired, and so hungry that he eats his food like an animal. The nuns watch in horror. At just about that time the priest calls him an “honored guest.”

Grace 2

At that moment I realized that I am Jean Valjean. I saw myself dirty, unkempt, tired, and hungry…completely needy. In the eyes of the Master that is what I am. And not just me, but every human being. None of us deserve to be taken in.

I am Jean Valjean hanging my head in shame knowing that I do not even deserve to eat the crumbs from my Master’s table. But when I sit at the table I gorge myself like there will be no next meal. I need the food that He provides. I need it so badly that when I sit at the table I cannot get enough.

And then, like Valjean, I take for granted what my Master gives and try to steal more. As if He hadn’t already given me everything I need and more I abscond with what I don’t deserve.

Then, like the priest in Les Mis, my Master gives me everything I don’t deserve…and even more. 

I am Jean Valjean, a sinner of my own making, in need of a gracious Master. He has found me. Rescued me. Fed me. Forgiven me. And given me a purpose for living.

I am Jean Valjean. 

And so are you.

Come to my Master’s Table. He will welcome you.

Without question. Without cost. Completely undeserved.

With full grace and forgiveness.

I will always be His honored guest. 

And so will you.

 

What literary or movie character reminds you most of God’s great grace?

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